Take me to a place where I can free myself from all this pain.

…

I am tired of having to manage my expectations of people. I am tired of giving in. I am tired of sacrificing my time for others. I am tired of pretending to be happy when I am not.

I am tired. So very very tired.

Maybe I just need sleep. I’ll sleep it off. Then, continue pretending. Then maybe someday, I’ll get good at it.

I suddenly realized that there is too much negativity in my life at the moment. A result of everything hitting me all at once? Perhaps.

What I know for sure is that, on my part, I have succumbed to anger way too often during these episodes. That is my doing, that is my fault, and I must realize it.

But, my heart is still too bruised. Too many things have been said the past 12 years. What I gave, was a mere pinch.

Astaghfirullahalazim. May God help me eradicate this anger from my heart.

Wash-up, solat then a good morning stroll, if the weather allows for it.

… you were such a bootlicker.

Nvm. What goes around, comes around. I don’t need to be around pretenders.

less effort = less disappointment

I swear I’ll miss these kiddos when they are gone. :’(

I just realized how many people I think of and miss at different times of the day. I sometimes wonder if they do the same. 

Ah, must be the weather.

I’ve always believed that the easiest way to fill one’s emptiness is to make someone else happy.

I remember waking up one Thursday morning feeling empty. The next moment my instinct told me to try something new; instead of giving in to sinful indulgences like chocolate n retail shopping, why not share? Make someone else happy. And I did. I threw a birthday party for a bride-to-be. Her tears of joy eradicated my emptiness straight away.

Now, when my social circle is suddenly overwhelmed with a massive amount of negativity, I was given a similar opportunity 5 minutes ago.

I was standing outside a heartland kopitiam, with bags of food for mum, waiting for my waffles to be ready. A little girl and a boy arrived; sweaty & shabbily dressed. They were really small but looked quite used to travelling alone. That girl. There was just something in her eyes.

Boy: Peanut butter waffle how much?

Aunty: $1.50

Girl: Alah, mahalnyer!

I asked if she wanted one waffle as well and I quickly fished out one dollar and fifty cents out of my wallet when she nodded.

She smiled her sweetest smile and shouted “take care!” when I left.

Your tummy is probably full now. Only for a dollar and fifty cents.

That warm fuzzy feeling from seeing that innocent smile? Now that money can’t buy.

Thank you little girl. I’m glad our paths crossed. Thank you God for always giving me the opportunity to find happiness in the smallest of things. Syukur.

Take a look in the mirror mister; YOU of all people lecturing me about tact?

Probably it’s time I made a practical choice and yes, prioritize. For those who genuinely care. For those who matter. For my well-being as well.

Here’s to a more fulfilling and happier life ahead.

Cheers,

Ms Siti

Rebuilding my firewalls.

They say, when one door closes, another opens. If only life was that simple. In life, we must make choices. In order to choose a door, you need to ignore the rest. To keep a few open at one time isn’t impossible but I suppose you’ll need quite a significant amount of energy to do so. Even if you succeed, probably it’s just a matter of time before you find yourself at a crossroad again.

I’m happy it happened. I really am. But I foresee it as a possible reason for you to leave. Because sometimes we just can’t have it all, no matter how hard we try. Some doors must be shut.

When it does happen, I will learn to let go. Even though a part me now still hopes that I am wrong.

“Manage your expectations Aishah, you’ll be happier that way.” she said.

Till 2015. Insya’allah.